Posts tagged ‘adoption sucks’

“I Wish I Was Adopted”

TL;DR: No. You don’t.

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This came across my twitter feed earlier from a random stranger I follow:

“Oh, lord, this made me laugh. And wish that I was adopted.” It was in reference to a video the person’s brother had put on youtube, featuring him being a dork.

I was totally blindsided. Anything to do with adoption needs to be marked clearly and come with trigger warnings, seriously. Add to that, that has to be one of the most offensive, insensitive, privileged things to say. You wish you’d been adopted into the family you were born into? Really? Did you really just say that? I mean, I cut some slack to the people who grew up in abusive households and say they wish they’d been adopted. They have the natural, normal desire to have escaped being abused. The statement shows their clear lack of understanding of adoption, adopters, and adoptee issues, but they wanted to escape, and society has misled them into thinking adoption is perfect and wunnerful.

I do, however, have a bone to pick with the general public who say such stupid, insensitive things. Society might still be saying to them that ALL (natural) parents are TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, AWFUL people who abuse drugs and children and small animals, and ALL adopters are AMAZING, LOVING, SELFLESS saviours who never die, do drugs, lose jobs, and are in general perfect in every way. But. Really? I can see believing that until you’re like five or something. By the time you’re an adult, you should have the critical thinking capacity to realise nothing is ever that black and white.

Furthermore, even if it were true, then is it not sad that the adoptee had shitty parents that they had to be taken away from? Or does being taken in by AMAZING, LOVING, SELFLESS saviours make up for all of that? Wait. Not even make up for – but erase! As if born to! Tabula rasa! Gee, who wouldn’t want to be adopted? You’d get perfect parents who never make any mistakes whatsoever, nevermind become abusive in any way, and a happy, charming life with no troubles whatsoever.

Adoption is perfect in every way.

Oh, if only all us bitter, angry, ungrateful adoptees would just believe it and shut the fuck up, right? Then the “professionals” can go on making a fuck-ton of money, and the adopters can keep on purchasing the child(ren) of their choosing. If only they could erase the psychological research into adoption and only listen to that adoptoraptor/sociologist-whose-name-I-won’t-mention, if only they could more successfully brainwash adoptees so they never so much as even THINK about their natural families ever, if only they could shove every person who has lost a child to it, the most noble of institutions, back into a closet… Think how much more money they could make. Why, everyone would want to adopt, because it’s such a good thing! (You know, if they can’t have their own kids, of course. Or if they need one of a different ethnicity to complete their rainbow collection.)

As for this twitter comment, hir brother did something embarrassing, so ze “wishes” to have been adopted so ze could, presumably, say “I’m adopted, thus not related to that dorky person there!”. I can almost get that. I’m glad I’m not related to any of my adoptive family, mostly because I really like being related to my real family. But, adoption is so much more than “just” not being related to the people you live with. Do you also want:

  • a fake birth certificate? they can change date, time, and place of birth, as well as the standard falsifications like name and parents
  • to probably not have access to the original, factual documentation of your birth?
  • to grow up feeling – and actually being – an outsider because no one in your “family” looks, acts, or thinks like you?
  • to have problems getting a passport or renewing your driver’s license because your fake birth certificate looks, well, fake?
  • to grow up feeling unwanted or like an alien? wondering why your own mother gave you away? what was so wrong with you? were you a bad baby?
  • to watch your family interact with each other, with them looking and being so much like each other, while you stand alone, apart, unable to see yourself reflected in any other being?
  • to have been ripped away from your mother at birth just so some infertile/selfish/greedy people could play family?
  • to have been bought and paid for like an object?
  • to only be grateful and never ever express any negative thoughts or feelings?
  • to be a perpetual child – to society at large and under the law?
  • to be at disproportionate risk for mental health and/or substance abuse problems?

If you really want to be adopted, be my guest. Let’s switch places.

Newsflash to the world: Adoption is traumatic. Only the survivors get to joke about it. Saying casual things like that is not on. It’s beyond the pale. If you’re not an adoptee or a natural parent, shut the fuck up about adoption, especially saying stupid shit like you wish you’d been adopted into the family you were born to. You know nothing. You’re just showing your ignorance and lack of ability to empathise. It’s not cute.

Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.” – The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE

It is difficult to face the fact that by definition every adopted child is an abandoned child, who has suffered a devastating loss. No matter that the adoptive parents call it relinquishment and the birth mother calls it surrender, the child experiences it as abandonment. ” – Nancy Verrier

My Siblings

I haven’t talked about my siblings much, but they’ve been on my mind a lot recently. As has my family in general. I’m facebook friends with a good portion of my natural family on my Dad’s side, mostly cousins and aunts, and it sure seems like the majority of their birthdays are in December. Barely a day’s gone by that I haven’t had a reminder on facebook telling me it’s one of my relatives’ birthdays. September, with two family/very close friend birthdays, used to be my busiest month. Not anymore.

Thinking about birthdays led me to think about my siblings. My sister’s birthday is in mid-December. I am the oldest of the five of us. She is the third. My birthday is in late November, then there’s my sister’s birthday almost a month to the day after, then my oldest half-brother, TJ’s, birthday in mid/late January. When I talked to my Mom a couple of days ago, I asked her about my other two half-brother’s birthdays, curious to know if we were all in a line.

We’re not. We almost are, just one birthday throwing us off. It would’ve been funny. Casper’s is in October, then mine almost exactly a month later, then Noel’s exactly two months after Casper’s, then TJ’s almost exactly a month later. Only Ash’s birthday is off. His is in May.

As for our ages, I’m twenty-four, TJ will be twenty-two next month, Noel just turned nineteen, Casper just turned thirteen, and I think Ash will be four or five next year. I’ve never met Ash, and he was born during the long ten year period my Mom shut off contact.

I’ve also never met TJ , though I really want to. I think we probably have the most in common. We’re the closest in age, which helps, he was also abandoned by our Mom, and we’re both her dirty little secret. I don’t know the full story, but I’m fairly certain our Mom didn’t have a hand in his upbringing from the time he was 2. I believe he grew up outside of Texas with his father and other family. I wish we’d known more about each other and his Dad’s family had got in contact with my adoptive parents. When we became facebook friends two years ago, I found out from his profile that, at one point, he’d lived less than half an hour from us.

Since neither he nor I grew up with our Mom, we became her secret when she married her latest husband. The in-laws are uber-Catholics, the judgmental, preachy type, the type who would’ve forced their daughter to go to an unmarried mother’s home during the Baby Scoop if they’d had a child old enough for that. Apparently they hate/extremely disapprove of my Mom just for having been married and divorced and having two kids by two different fathers. They have no idea she has another child, also by a different husband, and one she gave up for adoption – one born out of wedlock when she was a teen. I imagine they’d probably have a heart attack upon learning that news. I was the only one of her children born out of wedlock. She was married to the Dads of all the other siblings, though the marriages generally didn’t last long. So while all the kids know about me and TJ, the in-laws don’t, and she wants to keep it that way. I have no idea how she’s managed to keep that secret so far, and I’m fairly certain it’s only a matter of time before it gets out somehow. I’m not looking forward to that day.

I can’t wait to meet TJ. I hope the next time I’m in Texas he’ll be around. He lives in Texas, but he’s in the military so he doesn’t live in Austin. The last times I was in Austin, he wasn’t, though he seems to be there relatively often, visiting Noel.

Noel, I have met, several times, more times than I (or she) remember. We met once when she was about four or five. All I remember from that meeting was that we did gymnastics together, and I was gobsmacked at how alike we looked. She looked like a younger carbon-copy of me, except she had blue eyes. (I’m also the only sibling that didn’t get light/blue eyes. I’m jealous.) Apparently we met at other times, too, but I don’t remember them. When I was in Texas in 2009, I met up with her again. She didn’t remember us meeting when we were younger, so for her, it was essentially the first time. For me, too. It was very awkward, but it was so nice to see her. She doesn’t really look like me anymore. All of the siblings have so far ended up looking more like their fathers. My great aunt (maternal-side) commented on that when I met her earlier this year. However, we’re about the same height, which is nice, especially growing up in a family of tall(er) people, and we’re both very weird, though she is louder and takes the weird-cake. Her father is also very strange. I haven’t met him, but I’ve stalked his facebook.

I’ve met Casper once. He was a baby, like three or so. I met him briefly when I was thirteen. I was in Austin for that birthday, and I spent the day with my Mom. She took me out to eat and to a store to buy me a present, and we talked a lot. Then she took me home and showed me all kinds of pictures she’d kept of me and things from the hospital she’d saved from when I was born. Then, she cut off all contact. So I saw Casper for a moment. But it’s been ten years, and he’s a teenager now. It’d be awesome to get to know him now, but I doubt that’ll happen until he’s older/moves out/has a facebook.

Like I said earlier, Ash wasn’t even a thought at the time my Mom cut contact. He would’ve been born when I was about twenty or twenty-one. I’m not sure how old he is. Of course, I haven’t met him. I’ve seen some pictures, found them somewhere, and I’ve heard his voice in the background when I’ve talked to my Mom on the phone, but that’s it. I wish I could have one sibling relationship that started from when they were younger and evolved naturally, but I don’t think that’ll happen with him, either. Not unless the in-laws die. So, I suppose I’ll have to wait another ten or more years before I can meet him.

It’s weird to have siblings you don’t know. Except for Noel and possibly TJ, I wouldn’t even recognise them in the street if I passed them. I hardly know anything about them, and it’s strange to build a sibling relationship as adults. I don’t even know how to make friends. How in the world do you go about making siblings? I guess we all muddle through and do our best, but I often feel like I’m not doing enough or I’m not doing it right. I usually feel like I’m just messing it up, and they’ll decide it’s not worth the trouble. I mean, we went some twenty-odd years without knowing each other. What’s forty/fifty/whatever more? I don’t want that, and I hope they don’t, either. And maybe one day I can have a picture with all of us together. That would be nice.

Safe Haven

This is a bit of a rant. There are far better critiques of Safe Haven out there. Like the one Fugitivus did here.

Safe Haven has good intentions but is a more than terrible idea. Anonymity should NEVER be promised or granted, because every child/eventual adult deserves to know who they come from and who their parents are. Now we’re going to have yet another generation of human beings who have no idea where they are from and will likely never know, even with DNA testing. Not only that, but it’s dangerous and negligent to leave them with zero medical history or contact with the other parent or relatives. If a baby is relinquished through Safe Haven, every option should be given to the mother to help her through whatever situation she is facing that is making her so desperate and to help her keep her baby. The fact of the matter is that the overwhelming majority of mothers want their babies. Some just need help to enable them to be good parents. Barring mother/child preservation, relatives should be found and considered. Stranger placement should be an absolute last resort.

Besides that, how can you actually be certain it’s a parent dropping the child off? Another problem is that two people are involved in the creation of a child. Why is it that only one (if you are assuming it is indeed a parent dropping the kid off) is needed to get rid of it? No parent has the right to relinquish the parental rights of the other, possibly non-consenting, parent.

Safe Haven is nothing but a band-aid. It does nothing to address the actual causes of why people abandon or abuse people, and in its history it can already be proven that the people who dump their child in the river are not the same ones who will surrender to Safe Haven.

And as an aside: No parent is a “birth” anything. They are the child’s parents. They may be terrible ones, but that is who they are. If a child is brought up in substitute care, the kid may end up with one or two (or more) other parents, but that does not change the fact that the people responsible for the child’s conception and birth are, and will always be, his/her parents. To deny that bond and connection is to deny the child’s very existence and invalidates his/her origins and heritage.

Little Adoptees

The little adoptees have been on my mind a lot lately. Mostly because there are a lot of them. All the ones I notice are transracial/transnational. Off the top of my head, I know of nine eleven twelve little adoptees. Nine Eleven Twelve. I knew not ONE other adopted person when I was young, besides my also-adopted brother. Of those nine eleven twelve little adoptees, at least seven nine ten are trans-national adoptees – from China, Korea, Ethiopia, and Vietnam. The other two I’m not sure about. Adoption definitely seems like a more trendy thing to do. I wonder how many intra-race adoptees I’m missing simply because it’s not glaringly obvious they’re adopted…

Fortunately for me, there hasn’t been too much said about adoption within my hearing. I once heard a conversation in the parent room: “We adopted her.” “Oh, where from?” “China.” The person asking sounded happy. Like adoption is a happy thing. Another time, an adoptoraptor and a friend of hers were talking. Turns out the adoptoraptor’s friend has a brother who recently adopted an older child from Russia, who, according to them, “isn’t adjusting well”. Well no shit, Sherlock. I gave them a disgusted look – by that point I’m sure I looked like I was about to be furious and/or violently ill and purposefully left the area – just barely managing to not storm away – until they freaking finally left. I wanted to punch something. I was so angry.

I don’t know how to act around these little adoptees. I so wish I had known a (de-fogged) adult adoptee when I was a kid. For them, I am that de-fogged adult adoptee. But I’m at a loss as to what to do, if anything. I’ve only outed myself to one of the kids, though I did prominently display my Adoptee Rights Coalition t-shirt today. None of the kids (or their APs) said anything about it, but it was seen. I felt so lonely as an adoptee when I was a kid. It still feels lonely a lot of the time, but now I have others I can turn to, ones who are my age or younger or older. I hate that they have to go through this, too. I hate that there’s another generation of adoptees. It literally makes me physically ill to think about it.

And I just don’t know what I can do about it, to make it easier for them. For the little adoptees I know now, I plan on leaving a copy of The Primal Wound in the parent room. On my last day, a day when five of the adoptees are there, I’m going to wear my “Adoption – Yeah, it pretty much sucks” shirt. Anything to help get the message out there that they don’t have to feel happy or grateful for adoption, that there are others who feel differently, and it’s okay for them to feel that way, too, if they do. I didn’t know that when I was young. I wish I had.

In short, I want to help/support them in some way, but I don’t know how or if I should.

I hate adoption.

Protected: Adoption Is Causing Visa Headaches

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Identity Error

So… I’ve heard all the news about Obama releasing a copy of his birth certificate to the public. I’ve been thinking about it – and people’s stupid comments about it – all day. I kept thinking “Gee, I don’t have a copy of my birth certificate anymore, and I definitely haven’t seen a copy since I started waking up and looking at adoptee issues. I should get a copy so I can see what’s on it, exactly.” So, naturally, I headed to the website for Texas Vital Statistics. Here’s what it says:


First requirement: Check. I live outside Texas, but I am ordering my own record.

Second requirement: Check. I have a valid NC driver’s license.

Third requirement: Check. I am currently living at a US address.

Fourth requirement: Check. I have a Visa.
Yay, I can order online like they want everyone to! Sweet. So I click the link and fill out the form, double check the info, then click submit.

They can’t verify my identity. For whatever reason (and I really can’t figure it out), the information I gave them (including my full name, birthdate, and social security number) is not enough for them to be able to verify my identity and let me order a birth certificate in the usual way. I’m not even trying to get my OBC! I’ll either have to fill out a paper application and hope that one makes it through or have my aDad do it for me.   -_-

Protected: My Adoption Story, As I Know It

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