Post was written on the 23rd

This post was going to be a bit more dour than it is now. I just recently got off the phone with my Mom. 🙂 Since she hadn’t called all day yesterday, I thought she wasn’t going to. Anyways.

Yesterday was my birthday. I’ve never had the typical adoptee problem of hating my birthday, with the exception of my first birthday. Apparently I was miserable all day. I’ve always loved my birthdays and looked forward to them, because I love getting older. When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to be eighteen. Now that I’m over eighteen, my next most exciting birthday is 25, the age when I’m fully legal for everything – car rentals hang on to the age of 25 for full rental privileges. Really, I just find most birthdays exciting, because I still love getting older.

However, this year has been a bit different. This is the first I’ve been fully cognizant of adoption issues, adoption industry issues, and been in full reunion. Needless to say, it was difficult this year, and I resented it being difficult, as I’d previously always unreservedly loved my birthdays.

This year, most of the entire day was difficult. It was hard to sleep. I couldn’t help but think of everything that I now know happened afterwards, and my brain kept catching on what my Mom said, me being “all alone in the nursery”, combined with the information in my lifebook from the foster parents I was with from five to nineteen days old. I don’t know what preemies are supposed to act like after birth, but it was either that or baby depression. Possibly both.

So it struck again this year, and it was miserable. At first, I wanted to just sleep all day, so I wouldn’t have to be awake for most of it. But then chocolate cake called. So at least there was that

It was really difficult to keep the sadness at bay, though, especially as the day wore on with no call from my mother. I wondered if she’d forgotten, I wondered if maybe she was retreating (again). I couldn’t keep my thoughts off of what it was like for me and her back then. I don’t know exactly how she felt, but I can make educated guesses based on talking to her and other family members, as well as just doing research on mothers of loss and talking to other mothers of loss. There’s far more commonality than difference.

All in all, I hope this new development doesn’t hang around. It was fucking miserable, and I don’t really need something new to learn how to cope with. Especially not when it only comes around once a year so might take a while to figure out how to work around it.

Luckily, my mother called as soon as she woke up on the 23rd. Apparently it was just a case of working all day and learning how to dial an international number. She even specifically said she didn’t want me to think she’d forgotten. 🙂 Her call soothed all those annoying adoptee-paranoia whispers in my head. I have a lot of hope for our new relationship. I just wish we could talk in person again. Maybe some day.