*Warnings: Suicidal ideation*

Who I am is bad, that much has been obvious since the day I was born. I wonder if accepting this would make life until eventual death easier? Most of the time, I spend my energy trying to fight that, and it’s hard. Maybe it would just be easier to give in, stop fighting. I don’t see the worth in fighting anymore.

To some extent, I know I go through cycles of feeling this way and then not feeling this way. So I know this horrible feeling will eventually lessen and recede into the back of my mind again, until something else bad happens. But I’m always keeping my ledger book of whether or not life is worth it, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’m always waiting to be a disappointment to someone else.

Most of the time, the ledger book balances, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. I don’t think life has ever come out ahead, except for brief stolen moments of happiness, but usually life and death even out often enough for life to be relatively worth it. Death takes effort. Why put effort into something that hasn’t totally failed?

Every so often, things feel really difficult, the ledger book isn’t balancing, and I put more thought into giving up. When I was teenager, I used to drive to school or gymnastics and fight really strong urges to drive myself at high speed into an oncoming car or a barrier or a telephone pole. I never did it because I couldn’t guarantee that I would die, and I figured what would most likely happen is that someone else would get hurt, like with drunk drivers, it seems to always be the person who didn’t do anything wrong that gets hurt or killed. The other reason I never did it was because humans hang on to hope like nothing else. Parts of me still hope that things will be better at some point in the future, and if only I just wait long enough, I’ll get to see it.

Those urges went away for a while, and things sort of did get better. Then they got worse, but that’s a different story… But now, I’m back again. I walk to work and spend the whole time wondering if it’d be worth it to jump in front of the stupid American drivers on the highway. But, same thing, I probably wouldn’t die, they probably would be more hurt, and I’d scar them for life. Then I spend the nights contemplating my new chef’s knives and how selfish it is to kill yourself via high speed train in Britain but how tempting it would be despite knowing you’d give the poor driver PTSD, emotionally injure the workers who have to clean up your bloody, splattered bits, and delay every single person on that train or wanting to use that line. At least you’d for certain be dead and no one else would be physically hurt.

At least I don’t have any access to drugs this time, haha. Though, that doesn’t seem like a very good way to go anymore. I think now I’d rather jump off a cliff or something. So I’ll probably spend the next bout of miserableness considering whether or not I should actually do anything, and before I can make a decision, it’ll lift and I’ll wonder if I just dreamed it all.

But while I wait for that to happen, I once again turn to one of my major comforts, AFI.

Lie in the comfort of sweet calamity with nothing left to lose. Lie in the darkness, I’m slowly drowned to sleep with nothing left to lose. I retrace the steps that led me here but nothing’s left behind me. So I lie in this field bathed in the light that loves me with nothing left to lose. Will be my, be my beloved? Will you help, help me to get through? Will you be my, be my destruction? Will you help, help me to be through?

Am I the star beneath the stars? Am I the ghost upon the stage? Am I your anything? I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent. And in the morning, there was nothing left but what’s inside of me. And I don’t want to die tonight, will you believe in me?

Yesterday I burnt the sky. Looked to the ground and wrapped it around me. Still today I have so much to burn. Yesterday I longed to die. Fell to the ground, and the ground caught me. Now today I question why I fell. I fell. So what can help me to understand somehow why it always pains me to breathe?

I am exploring the inside. I find it desolate. I do implore these confines, now as it penetrates, recreate me. I crumble in these days. If you listen – listen, listen – listen close – beat by beat – you can hear when the heart stops –  I saved the pieces – when it broke – and ground them all to dust. I know what died that night, it can never be brought back to life, once again, I know. I know I died that night, and I’ll never be brought back to life, once again, I know.

I lay strewn across the floor. Can’t solve this puzzle. Every day another small piece can’t be found. I lay strewn across the floor pieced up in sorrow. The pieces are lost, these pieces don’t fit, pieced together incomplete and empty.

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay. Forever haunted more than afraid. Asphyxiate on words I would say. I’m drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue. There are no flowers, no not this time. There’ll be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find. I’d show a smile, but I’m too weak. I’d share with you could I only speak just how much this hurts me. I cannot stay here, I cannot leave. Just like all I loved, I make believe. Imagine heart, I disappear, seems no one will appear here and make me real. I’d tell you how it haunts me, cuts through my day and seeps into my dreams.

Will you join me in this dance, dance of misery? Will you lend yourself  to beauty that will horrify?

Of late, it’s harder just to go outside to leave this deadspace with hatred so alive. I watch the stars as they fall from the sky. I held a falling star, and it wept for me, dying. I feel the falling stars encircle me now as they cry. It won’t be alright, despite what they say. Just watch the stars tonight as they, as they disappear, disintegrate. Will not be alright…despite what they say…just watch the sky…when stars go out.

Six figures enter. They’ve come to destroy the world. They’ve called together this storm almost every night, and I awake in another place. Familiar voice with a stranger’s face speaks more unheard words.

While I waited, I was wasting away. Hope was wasting away. Faith was wasting away. I wasting away. Never, never wanted this.

Don’t waste your touch, you won’t feel anything. Or were you sent to save me? I’ve thought too much. You won’t find anything worthy of redeeming. Look what I’ve built. It shines so beautifully. Now watch as it destroys me. I saw its birth, I watched it grow, I felt it change me. I took the life, I ate it slow, now it consumes me.

 

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